


Alive

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Manipulation, Post-Canon, Shinigami Light, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-02
Updated: 2008-03-02
Packaged: 2019-09-24 07:34:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17096501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: Light Yagami is a Shinigami. And Matsuda has found the Notebook ...





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Written (a long time ago) for the dn_kink prompt "Light is a shinigami. Matsuda is the new Kira."

The odd thing was that Light hardly looked any different.

He was taller than most humans, far taller than he had been. His eyes were red now, bright and shining and his hair was longer that it once had been. His teeth curved in his mouth, smooth and more rounded than any teeth that actually had to eat would be. Great wings arced from his shoulder blades, raggedly feathered with deep red-black feathers, rather like drying blood. He was no longer dressed in smart suits but dark rags that draped over his body. And his fingers were longer, unnaturally long and if he laid them on Matsuda’s hand, they covered him from fingertip to wrist with small, pointed nails on the end.

But apart from that, he was Light. Still Light Yagami. Still beautiful and convincing and entrancing as he’d ever been.

“I didn’t think it would be you,” he said when he found Matsuda staring blankly at the notebook that he’d picked up off the street. “Never you.”

\----

“You look so sad, Matsuda-san,” he murmured against Matsuda’s hair the next day as Matsuda tried to concentrate on his paperwork. “Bereft. Lonely.”

“I’m fine,” Matsuda mumbled. “I’m fine.”

He’d kept going through life. Work. Home. Socialising with his workmates sometimes. Visiting his family. Nothing had changed. Except perhaps, himself. He felt so empty all the time now. As though everything around him was covered with a grey film and he couldn’t actually reach through it to touch the world. Nothing mattered any longer. He watched the people around him and wondered why they bothered. Why they bothered having romances, pretending to connect with people. No one ever told you the truth about themselves. Everyone lied, endless lies about who they were and what they wanted. It was pointless even trying any more so he didn’t.

It was only that sometimes he felt like something had died inside him.

\----

“The world was rotten,” Light said. “I only wanted to make it better. I only wanted to make everyone happier. Are you happy, Matsuda-san?”

“I’m fine. Everything’s just fine.”

“You seem unhappy.”

“I’m not. Really,” he said dully. “Why would I be unhappy?”

Light shrugged and stretched his wings and Matsuda felt an odd desire to touch them, to stroke the silky-looking feathers. He swallowed and looked away.

“You can just give the notebook back,” Light said quietly. “It doesn’t matter one way or another.”

Matsuda knew he ought to just give Light the notebook back. Ought to just burn it so Light couldn’t give it to someone else. But he didn’t. He kept it with him, opened it and turned the grainy pages, looking at all the blank lines, waiting for the marks of a pen to cover them. Light watched him silently, for the most part. He hadn’t asked. He wouldn’t ask. He simply waited.

\----

“You look so lonely, Matsuda-san. Let me come into bed with you.”

He lay slightly awkwardly behind Matsuda, his arm curved over Matsuda’s waist, one of his wings gently covering Matsuda like a blanket. The feathers were soft and Light still breathed, soft, warm breath over Matsuda’s neck. For the first time in so, so long, Matsuda wasn’t alone.

\----

“I can’t do it,” he whispered as he sat at his desk. “You know I can’t. I’m a coward, I’m pathetic. Pathetic Matsuda, the joke, the jester, the child. I can’t do it.”

The soft touch of feathers on his cheek. Why did it have to make him shiver so?

“You can do anything. I believe in you, Matsuda-san. You can do anything that you want.”

“It’s wrong,” he whimpered, fumbling with the pen. “It’s so wrong … ”

Light didn’t say anything. He never said anything. Feathers stroked against Matsuda’s skin again. The touch was unbelievably lovely and Matsuda gave a soft sigh and leaned back. This time, those abnormally long fingers ran delicately through his hair, smoothing it back from his face. He looked up and Light smiled.

Matsuda felt his stomach flutter. It wasn’t unpleasant.

\----

“Why can’t you just tell me what to do?” he screamed as Light watched the news, watching all the attacks and the pain and the suffering without comment. “Why don’t you just tell me?!”

“I’m not part of this world any more, Matsuda-san. It’s your job to make the decisions what to do. You have the Notebook. I simply follow.”

He threw himself at the once-human Shinigami, beating at him with useless fists. Light sat impassive until Matsuda sank to his knees, resting his face against Light’s long legs and struggling with tears.

“Just help me,” he whispered.

“You don’t need my help any more, Matsuda-san.”

He turned tear-blurred eyes up to Light’s face, looking at the way the ears pointed slightly now, how his mouth was usually slightly open to allow for the odd curve of teeth, lips no longer quite a human shade of reddish-purple.

“I always needed your help, Light,” he said wretchedly, thinking back to every time when Light had stood by him, when Light had helped him.

You are stronger than you think, Matsuda-san. You don’t need me.”

But Matsuda did, he did need Light, he knew that he did and maybe that was why he did it in the end because if he didn’t do it, Light might go away and he didn’t want Light to go away again. He cried afterwards and soft arms and wings encircled him, shielding him from the world and as his tears stopped, Matsuda felt strangely warm.

\----

“Matsuda, what’s wrong with you? We need you!”

“No, you don’t,” he said, conscious of Light drifting above him. “I can’t do it again, Aizawa. I can’t. I don’t care about Kira any more. I can’t do it. Just leave me be.”

“How can you say this?! You … more than any of us, you … ”

“I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong any more, Aizawa. I’m so tired … I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

It was odd that he didn’t much care if they hated him now. He didn’t much care about any of it. Once it had mattered so and now … now, it just didn’t. So little really mattered in the grand scheme of it all. Writing the names mattered. Writing the names and helping other people. That did help, didn’t it? Because once, Light had said that it did. Maybe it did.

“I don’t know,” Light said quietly. “You can’t ask me questions such as that, Matsuda-san. I’m not that person any more. To the Shinigami, you only exist to lengthen our lives.”

“But you were human, once … ”

“I’m not now. I live by different rules.”

But he smiled when Matsuda wrote and stroked his hair and Matsuda knew, he knew what Light wanted even if he pretended that he couldn’t say it any more.

\----

“Light,” he said, as he looked at all of the names in the book. “Where do you go when you die?”

“I don’t know,” Light said, shrugging. “Technically, I never did.”

“But you must know,” Matsuda said, looking at him. “I mean … Shinigami do know, don’t they? Where you go?”

Light looked at him, those dark red eyes glowing. Matsuda wondered why he found them so fascinating. Light’s eyes had been so much nicer when they’d been soft and brown. But the red was … enticing, somehow. Hypnotic.

“Are you not allowed to say?” he asked uncertainly.

“As far as I know,” Light said quietly. “Humans all go to the same place. Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

“That sounds nice,” Matsuda said dreamily, leaning back on the couch. “Peaceful. Like sleeping forever and not having to worry about anything ever again.”

“You’re so strange,” Light said, moving over to him and looking down at him with those deep red eyes. “Most humans would be devastated. Horrified that they don’t have any chance of seeing their loved ones again.”

“I don’t have ... there’s no one I care about any more.”

Light reached down and touched Matsuda’s cheek gently, his fingers soft and smooth. Matsuda wondered suddenly what would happen if he twisted his head and kissed those fingertips and before he really thought about it, he did, twisting and touched his mouth lightly to them. Light blinked those red eyes lazily but didn’t snatch his hand away.

“Is there really no one?” Light asked and Matsuda stared up into beautiful eyes and his breath seemed to catch in his throat and he didn’t know whether to nod or shake his head.

“Do … can Death Gods come into Nothingness?” he whispered and when Light shook his head, he pressed more tightly into Light’s hand. “Then I’d better not die, had I?”

“No,” Light agreed. “No, it’s better not to die, Matsuda-san.”

For a moment, he sounded almost sad and Matsuda felt his heart contract with sadness and guilt and without thinking about it, he half lifted himself up and pressed his mouth gently against Light’s lips. Light didn’t move and Matsuda pulled away, suddenly ashamed.

“S-sorry … ”

“You’re a strange man, Matsuda-san,” Light said. “Very strange.”

“I … yes, I … sorry … ”

Light leaned over him. His mouth engulfed Matsuda’s and Matsuda moaned without meaning to because it had been so long, so long since someone kissed him and oh, that felt so very, very good, he’d missed that so much and oh, it was Light, and he’d wanted Light and Light was so beautiful, even now, maybe more than ever now and oh …

“I’m not sure this is what’s meant,” Light murmured breaking away.

“I don’t care,” Matsuda said dizzily. “I don’t care about anything any more.”

“No. I know you don’t.”

\----

“Shinigami can’t have sex,” Light said quietly.

“N-no?” Matsuda panted. He was clasped in gentle arms and covered in feathers and soft, purple-red lips was tracing a path down his throat.

“No. One of the many rules that govern us. Not with each other, not with humans.”

His fingers were so long, so soft, playing over Matsuda’s body. His body wasn’t warm like a human’s would be but Matsuda felt hot, too hot, so the soft coolness of Light’s body was comforting, soothing like water.

“What … what happens if you do …?” he whispered, stretching his legs out, lifting his hips against Light’s.

“I think we’re punished,” Light said softly, his tongue tracing patterns on Matsuda’s chest. “With pain and torment. And since it takes a while for us to die, that can last a human life time … ”

“O-oh … ”

Light slid lower and Matsuda reached out to run his fingers through the feathers, closing his eyes. He supposed it was selfish but as long as Light didn’t stop, he didn’t think he minded Light suffering a human life time of pain. For the first time, for the first time in so, so long, he was feeling again. He was alive.

“Please don’t stop,” he whispered and Light’s tongue ran up the inside of his leg, soft and wet and, oh …

“Kira …” Light murmured and his wings flexed, feathers all around and Matsuda gave a bliss-filled cry and arched his body towards Light and Light obliged him, delicate and careful and avoiding hurting Matsuda with those perfect teeth and his body might be cold but the inside of his mouth was hot, hot like embers and Matsuda cried in pain and longing as exquisitely pointed nails dug into his skin and seemed to go right down to his soul.

“I need … I need, I need, please Light, I need …!”

“I am not what you need,” Light whispered. “Matsuda-san, you must see that I am not what you need … ”

“No! No, I need you, please, please, Light!”

Light made a soft, crooning noise in his throat and his fingernails loosened their grip on Matsuda’s hips and he continued to lick, long steady licks all over and Matsuda half-sobbed with want as those wonderful long, thin fingers began to probe at him, carefully penetrating him. He felt a brief flicker of fear that those little pointed nails would cut him but Light was far too careful for that and all Matsuda felt was hopeless, desperate pleasure.

“I love you,” he said afterwards as the Shinigami crouched beside him, stroking his hair and face gently. “I love you, please never leave me … ”

“As long as the Notebook is yours,” Light said quietly. “I will never leave you.”

Matsuda smiled. He closed his eyes and lay against Light’s body, letting sleep wash over him. Everything was all right now. He had Light.

He would never be by himself now.


End file.
